Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Who is the manliest player on the Nationals?

I spent much of today contemplating my personal manliness after shaving off my beloved red beard. I then started thinking about how a beard isn't necessary to be manly. You can have huge muscles, a deep voice, man-machines (such as tractors, vintage cars, pickup trucks, etc) and other things of the variety. This led me to look at the Nats, and see who of the team is at least mildly manly. On the surface, you're looking at the big guys (Rauch, Pena, Kearns to some degree, Hanrahan, Johnson etc.) and the guys with beards (Redding). A few other guys could possibly qualify are Aaron Boone, Odalis Perez and John Lannan (for no particular reason, really). Ryan Zimmerman does not qualify for any manliness award, as he attended UVA (the "University of Suck"), likely drank Zima and wore pastel-colored polos. No matter what he does on the field, he is too far in the negative to ever recover from UVA-level negative Man Points.

Some quick rules about my accounting: I give batters +1.5 Man Points for a walk and -1 Man Point for a strikeout. Pitchers receive +1 Man Point for a strikeout and -2/3 Man Points for each walk. Batters receive +2 Man Points for every home run, while Pitchers lose 3 Man Points for every home run allowed. Everyone recieves 1 Man Point for each inch above 6'2" they are and 1 Man Point for each 10 pounds above 220 they are.

For your amusement, here are the 5 Nationals I think are the most manly:

5. Joel Hanrahan (6'4" 250 lbs. Des Moines, Iowa)
While doing my preliminary list, I remembered Hanrahan for 3 manly things: He's huge, he's from Iowa and he throws 95-98 mph (which leads to a very high amount of strikeouts, which are manly). Capitol Punishment awarded him his "favorite book," Where the Wild Things Are, for Christmas. Youngsters who read Where the Wild Things Are are scientifically proven to grow facial hair and win bar fights at a much younger age than kids who don't.

The Stats
24 strikeouts (24 Man Points)
13 walks (-9 Man Points)
1 home run allowed (-3 Man Points)
6'4" (2 Man Points)
250 lbs (3 Man Points)
From Iowa (1 Man Point)
Total: 18 Man Points

4. Nick Johnson (6'3" 235 lbs. Sacramento, CA)
Johnson, as we know, is Larry Bowa's nephew. He takes walks, can rake, fields well, recovered from a broken leg, shaved lightning bolts into his hair...what a man! But then when you look at his Wikipedia page and his injury history, it takes away from his man points. I mean seriously, Nick: if you want to win this competition, you simply can't tell me that you would be a software engineer (coined engi-nerds at Virginia Tech). Being an Engineer is not manly, minus this kind.

The Stats
26 walks (39 Man Points)
21 strikeouts (-21 Man Points)
5 home runs (10 Man Points)
6'3" (1 Man Point)
235 lbs (1.5 Man Points)
Long injury history (-5 Man Points)
Larry Bowa's nephew (5 Man Points)
Oh's this Larry Bowa (previously awarded 5 Man Points revoked)
From Northern California (-5 Man Points)
Buzzed a lightning bolt into hair (10 Man Points)
Had a mullet/rat tail before buzzing a lightning bolt into hair (-10 Man Points)

Total: 20.5 Man Points

3. Wily Mo Pena (6'3" 270 lbs. Laguna Salada, DR)
"The Weapon" has a great nickname and more power than your local electric company. Unfortunately, he strikes out more than I did in Little League (even in the year where I had 4 hits the entire season) and moves more like a 6'3" 270 defensive tackle than a 6'3" 270 linebacker.

The Stats
4 walks (6 Man Points)
17 strikeouts (-17 Man Points)
0 home runs (0 Man Points...wait what? Wily Mo has 0 home runs?)
6'3" (1 Man Point)
270 lbs (5 Man Points)
From the Dominican Republic!!! (10 Man Points)
Nicknames: The Weapon, Weapon of Mass Production (10 Man Points each)
Total: 25 Man Points

2. Austin Kearns (6'3" 240 lbs. Lexington, KY)
Kearns is the league's premier good ol' country boy. He wears John Deere apparel and I presume drives heavy machinery around everywhere. That being said, whoever his coaches were in Kentucky sure taught him how to field.

The Stats
16 walks (24 Man Points)
19 strikeouts (-19 Man Points)
3 home runs (6 Man Points)
6'3" (1 Man Point)
240 lbs (2 Man Points)
From KENTUCKY!! (10 Man Points)
Wears a John Deere hat (5 Man Points)
Names of two sons: Aubrey (Maybe Kearns' wife loves Aubrey Hepburn so much that she convinced him to name their first child, regardless of gender, Aubrey) and Brady (loses man points because Brady is in Tom Brady's name!) (-5 Man Points)
Nickname: Country (5 Man Points)
Total: 29 Man Points

And the winner is...
1. Jon Rauch (6'11" 290 lbs. Louisville, KY)
The tallest player in the world (of baseball's history that is) has more manliness than some third world countries. In addition to his huge, superhero/professional wrestler build, he can somehow muster the strength to lift Wil Nieves about eleven hundred feet off the ground. One last note: Rauch is almost twice as tall as the shortest player of all time, Eddie Gaedel, who stood at 3'7".

The Stats
11 strikeouts (11 Man Points)
3 walks (-2 Man Points)
2 home runs allowed (-6 Man Points)
6'11" (9 Man Points)
290 lbs (7 Man Points)
From KENTUCKY!! (10 Man Points)
Won an Olympic Gold Medal (2000 Olympic Games) (10 Man Points)
Played at Morehead State (5 Man Points)
Has a ton of tatoos (10 Man Points)
Daughter's name: Aubree (-2.5 Man Points-got the baby's gender right, but spelled it wrong)
Awesome picture (5 Man Points)
Total: 56.5 Man Points

What are your thoughts? Leave them in comments!

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